Letting go....

Sitting here, collecting and ordering my thoughts. Today is another big day in my son’s life. A day in which he is making a big step in his development. We have been at this point before on several occasions in our journey together as mother and son. But in those seventeen years, I have never gotten used to this feeling. The feeling of, will he be ok when we’re not there. And off course I have faith in him, I know he can do it. This feeling belongs to me. And trust me we have come a long way. Let me take you back to the first time we were in this situation….

My son was 3 years old when he got diagnosed. Before he got diagnosed, he went to a small kindergarten a block from our house. After his diagnoses we had to look for a kindergarten specialized in working with children that are on the spectrum. Which meant he had to go to a different city because there was no suitably place in our hometown. He got picked up by a driver every day, to take him to school. The first few times it broke my heart. He was really brave, he always has been, but I still saw the fear in his eyes. So, I followed the driver every day to school without my son knowing or seeing. I just had to make sure he was ok. After a while it was our new normal, and that heavy weight on my shoulder lifted a bit. Which doesn’t mean we didn’t have problems. I could fill up books with all the stories. But the key thing is, he was okay.

Today he is starting a new chapter in his independence. He is starting an internship. When he left this morning, it took me back to that day 14 years ago. I briefly thought about following him. But that wouldn’t be for him anymore but for me. I know that he can do it, still not sure if I can. It is just going to take me a while to get rid of that heavy weight and let it go…